For a very long time I thought I never deserved love. I felt I was undeserving of any and all types of love... even God's love. God's love was out of reach and totally out of the question for me because what I had done and what I had become was an abomination. I tormented myself into believing that I had no right to be loved, feel love or to give love. Love... Love was gone. Love had left me. Or was it I that abandoned love. Everything and anything that went wrong in my life became good for me. I told myself that was my punishment for becoming an abomination. I became ill and I thought it was good for me. I lost my apartment and I thought it was good for me. My relationships within my family became strained and I thought it was good for me. I became withdrawn, hid behind a façade built of alcohol, lies and fake smiles. I felt it was all good for me because that's what I deserved. I felt this is my punishment and that God could never love someone like me because I was weak. I was weak and couldn't do what was right. It wasn't until I found my baby sister in the same predicament as me. For her she was only a couple years younger than me when I found myself conflicted about bringing new life into this world. She's so much stronger than me. But I knew that I could not let her make the same mistake I had many years ago. Lucky for me that she's much stronger (mentally and emotionally) than I am because she decided that she wasn't going to make my mistake; and what turned out to be luck was actually God's blessing in disguise. The little life that she and her boyfriend (now husband) brought into this world broke every wall and guilt-ridden barrier I had built to keep myself locked away tormented with my memories. God had given a gift not only to my sister and her husband but to me. He had given me a nephew. A nephew so full of love and joy with a smile that melted even the hardest of hearts... my heart. My nephew was my wake up call that God still loved me and to remind me of that love, my nephew was born on my birthday. I get to share my birthday with the first of many loves of my life. He was the first of many to come and many times over my heart just melted away. Today, I no longer have walls built of shame or guilt. Today, I am surrounded by love, joy and laughter. I may not be able to have children of my own; but I have the love of my sibling's children whom I treat as if they were my own. Each one special to me in their own special way and each one a reminder of God's love for me.
It reminds me of how God loves each and every one of us. Each of us are special in our own unique way. Each one of us created to love and be loved. Your sin is not greater than God's love. God's love for us is greater than all sin. Don't let your sin torment you and keep you locked up from God's love. We may think that we don't deserve to be loved by God but God has already told us that He loves us so much that He gave us His one and only Son.
John 3:16The Message (MSG)
16-18 “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.
Remember... you deserve love because God loves you! He loved us first!
